Shittiest of shit days.
Went out to do a well check on a client who has a history of self harm. She didn’t answer the door for me, even after I announced who I was. So I took the next step and called the police, and had them send an officer trained in crisis situations to meet me. They came, and she finally opened the door when he said that if she didn’t he would get the apt manager to let us in.
We talked to her for a minute, and I offered to stay and talk to her once they were gone, because I could tell she was not in a good place. Then the “cop” in him kicked in and he had to check her apt for other people and ask her 7 million times if she had a weapon before leaving me there. I’m trained to protect myself in people’s homes and would have been much better without that.
I stayed and talked to her for about an hour, and from the second I walked on I knew she was going to suicide, regardless of what I had to say. I did get her deescalated, and she did tell me that she wasn’t going to do anything today and that she would call me in the morning, but I left feeling sick. She contracted for safety and said all the right things, so there was really nothing else I could do. I came back to the office and debriefed with her regular therapist. We both teared up, and reassured each other, but 2 hours later I still feel sick and have a sense of dread.
I feel helpless and keep second-guessing myself. And I have this fear that this is all going to go terribly bad.
When The Guy hurts, I hurt. And He is hurting. And I hate to say it, but I know I caused some of it, even as i was trying to help. Saying “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem like enough.
Things are rough, prayers and thoughts appreciated.
I love that man. And I’m sorry.
Have you ever read something that hit you in the gut? Like a full bodied punch? Man.
After a few tears, I feel much better. I had to read it and I’m glad it was written.
An d I want to say thank you.